Monster Attack! ♥

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Thursday, June 05, 2008

I'm sure at some point in your life you will encounter a nurse whereupon you might want some tips on how to become the ultimate irritating patient that no nurse wants to attend to.
I am not entirely sure the motivation behind that but it seems to be the predominant trend in the wards nowadays..

Tip #1: Don't allow the callbell rest for more than 15-minutes' intervals.

Just keep pressing the call bell!
Not only can you hear the unpleasant shrill reverberate in the ward,
you can also drag someone into your misery by asking for unreasonable absurd requests, for example, "can you lower the table?" followed by "raise the table just a little bit more" and "now thats too high" when the table is 2 meters away from you and will in no way affect your wallowing.

Tip #2: Spill your fluids on the nurse.

There are a couple of ways to which you go can go about it,
so let me propose a scenario that can provoke the most intense irritation.

Press the call bell, and when the nurse comes to you, speak in a raspy out-of breath manner.
The trick is to make sure that the nurse cannot understand what you are trying to tell her
so that when the nurse puts her face closer to you in order to hear you better,
you can grab her hand tightly
and muster all the energy you can..
Just wait for the precise moment to take a deep breath
and shock the nurse with violent hacking and coughing
in her face.

She will instinctively try to move away from where the germs are being sprayed (that is, her face) but fret not, your hand has already secured a vice-like grip on her arm to prevent her from escaping.

That is not the end of it; after the extended coughing, use your free hand to collect the sediments from within your nostril, blow your nose or dig it, it doesn't matter, after which you rub it on the nurse.

Yup, that should do it.

The other tactic to spill your fluids on others include choosing the correct timing to excrete.
This is harder to pull off as it is impossible to see where the nurse's hand is at when she is changing your diapers, as the view does not permit, in order to launch the feces.

***

I realize that nurses are very patient people not by choice.
The more annoying or difficult the patients are, the better I can get with regards to controlling my emotions and suspending judgments and most importantly, training my patience.
I'm not saying its easy though.. hee

♥Bid Farewell