I wish I were more eloquent.
Many things that I say are simply wrong and shouldn't have been said because what the receiving end of that will perceive it the wrong way and I’ll wonder why the fuck did I say things that sound the way I don’t intend it to be.
If only a look, a touch or a moment of connection can say it all sadly it’s not as easy as that.
I am truly a lousy friend for the insensitivity and obtuseness that caused a very good friend’s disappointment.
All the little little nice things I did doesn’t even matter and cannot make up for my guilt for the helplessness at improving a friend’s mood and worse, I just exacerbated it.

It is getting tiring.. this game of constantly trying and the result is getting big fat middle fingers pointed in your face.

I remember that I used to be a cheerful person.

♥Bid Farewell

I'm getting addicted to the freedom of staying in hall where time doesn't make sense or dictate usual life routines.
I got so carried away with this sweet sweet freedom that last week I made a grave mistake of triggering my parents' mistrust which I so carefully tried to avoid.
All because of my stupid sister who betrayed me.
I was very mad at her the whole week, silently cursing her and messaging her 'good job' to make her feel bad. Memories of her flagrantly reading my P6 diary entries of my childhood crush and blackmailing me with the content and also many many instances of our unhappy [not all the time la of course] sibling rivalries overcame me.

I tried to appease my parents just now, telling them that I really didn't want them to worry.
Right after I said that I realised that my thinking is really quite screw up.

Firstly, I was mad at my sister which this incident should not be about.
It is not about her being jealous or vindictive or her hatred [I'm simply assuming all these because the answer she gave me implied that she was guilty] or whatever, it might not be the case and it doesn't matter.

Me saying that I didn't want my parents to worry is not convincing even to myself.
I totally understand that informing them of my intentions of the trip to Malaysia and seeking their consent is the legitimate way to go.
But knowing their worrisome selves and the risks involved of taking this trip which is essentially of no importance except.. [there's nothing even to continue after 'except' ]
Anyway I decided with my pea sized brain to engage my sister to bring me my passport.

Major mistake..but Not the point!

My dad was talking about safety and money and my mum.. oh dear, she kept reminding me that I have a bond which cruelly states that the guarantors have to pay an astronomical amount if the scholar died.
It made me very sad even though I know that she didn't mean it that way.

And my dad was talking about safety safety safety so I went 'I know I know!' which I really do.
After some reflection I realised that its such a youth thing to assume invincibility, that nothing can happen to me, where got so suaaayyy one blah blah.
I weighed the risks and benefits and clearly the risks outweighs the benefits but I still decided to make the 'wrong choice' because quote my dad,'you think that everything also no problem one'.

That is so fucking true [pardon me I have been hanging around bad company].

Many times even when I know which choices I make will result in greatest good I will ignore that decision making process and jump straight to the final decision which is not coincidentally the easiest way out.
To convince myself I will invent some screwed up reason to make up for guilt of forgoing the right decisions made.

The dumbest thing is I know that it is dumb and to value fun, experience and such frivolous stuff more then I do safety, money saving habits, studies and such.

Is this fucked up or does it come with being young or is it a sign of being a fucked up youth?

♥Bid Farewell