I am tired.
The bus uncle told me not to leave my crutches lying against the bus window.
He told me the window might break and warned me that I cannot afford to pay for it.
And repeated it x10000 .
I didn't know that these alumininium crutches are so powerful.
♥Bid Farewell
I am going to sound like a spoilt brat complaining about the woman who didn't give up her seat to me and the woman behind her who pretended to look out of the window and the woman behind who .. urg
but I would think that this complaint is legitimate right, now that I have only one usable leg.
I am deeply disillusioned about humanity la I used to naively assume that everyone's core is sweet and kind even when they act like the most self centred people in the universe.
I thought that when they have a chance to be kind they will be, but I thought wrong.
Selfish people are selfish inside and out, the core is full of "me"s and they care more about resting their feet for a ten minute ride more than about a disabled girl who might fall during the mere ten minute ride and I don't know, fracture another leg.
I just hope that for the woman who ignored my disabled presence doesn't experience the same thing cus it is horrible.
The nurses and I were crowding around this woman and we were wondering aloud why she wasn't giving up the seat to this disabled person:
Geraldine said this in the woman's direction: Maybe the bus driver will give up the seat to qianwen.
haha it was quite funny.
Actually hor, there's no rule that says that people have to give up seats to fellow human beings who might be pregnant, balancing on one foot or who are old and frail.
It is a moral thing and if this person can look out of the window and the conscience can allow it there is nothing anyone can do.
Everyone paid the same fare and deserve equal chances of taking the seat.
It is a matter of first come first serve.
It is extremely sad that people can allow themselves to think like that and be comfortable about remaining in that seat that means so much more to someone else.
It is not about me not being able to take a seat la because I am a very strong/fit/otherwise-healthy nurse who hops very well and my troop of TH nurses support me when the ride is bumpy.
Yuting said that they didn't give up the seat because I didn't look pathetic enough.
I really don't understand why I must look pathetic, I admit I look quite gleeful and machiam I enjoy hopping a lot la, but I am on crutches leh.
Happy disabled people don't deserve seats meh?
Must I cry and look pitiful or do I have to fall before people feel guilty enough to exhibit minimum kindness?
Isn't it too late by then..?
Why must we wait until fellow human beings break down before we show kindness or concern?
I don't understand!
I believe that there are a lot of people who don't speak about their problems and hide behind a facade and it is the same thing..
Making kindness an everyday thing is good la cus you don't know if your concern and smiley face will make a person feel better.
There's really no need to wait until you know about the problem before showing kindness because it might be too late when you know about it lor.
and there's really no need to hog onto that seat dammit.
Why (some) NUS people like that one.?
[but then again hor, I am judging the woman cus who knows, maybe she is sicker than I am disabled behind the rosy cheeks. And also the 15 people who pretended not to see me, maybe they are depressed or they are a bit blind or they have anemia.. I should stop being sacarstic]
I really do appreciate my friends who are so freakinggg nice.
♥Bid Farewell
There are days when I feel down and days when I just want to hug everyone I see.
Fortunately for me and for the people around me who care to make my day, the depressing days are very much bearable.
There are quite a few highlights of the week so I shall rank them in chronological order:
Monday was Yuting's birthday I think the surprise was quite good because she was a dodo bird and believed that her birthday cake was a melted ice cream cake we bought from the canteen.
I went to watch the exciting handball IHG match after that and only managed to catch the last 20 mins or so.
It was still good even though I could only catch glimpses of flailing arms from behind the supporters.
I think Wednesday had to be the best day of the week.
Firstly I met Nat and I once again was reaffirmed of my belief that she is a wonderful person who can see things so clearly and a terribly dependable friend for a rainy day.
With great hair too.
It was drizzling slightly that night and the hall was a little quiet and i was a little upset that I could not watch the match that everyone was supporting..
Good thing johnson was so not involved in hall stuff so he could accompany this sad little girl for dinner and entertain me by completing my sentences.
eg.
Qianwen: eh Johnson you know hor, the physiotherapist thought I was so good with the crutches that she..
Johnson: so good that she wanted to send you for competitions?
I thought it was hilarious.
Recently a lot of people have been encouraging me to join sports events lor especially paralympics and one legged races..
Yesterday Mervyn and yiteng came over to visit me in my hall for a while and Mervyn asked yiteng and I if we wanted to join the Standard Chartered race together.
Siao
He even volunteered to push my wheelchair for one kilometer.
I think the best is Weide la (my hall soccer coach).
Qianwen: Can I follow the soccer team on saturday? I wanna watch the matches because Huishan's playing.
Weide: Sure.. You might want to wear one of your boots too!
Qianwen: Should I also wear jersey just in case you decide to sub me in?
Weide: haha thanks for reminding me.. In fact, I've already decided to sub you in. When we're leading 20-0.
Everybody is so cute.
Caleb is another cute person but the funniness is very hard to capture.
Oh and last night I watched productions with Huiyi and supposedly Jeslyn [who was late.. and missed the good stuff in the beginning] it was really not bad.
This post sucks.
But anyway this morning I went to watch the soccer girls play IHG and so far they won RH and drew with KR [val's hall].
Could not help but think if they would have won if I played haha.. just kidding.
It is so fun to watch at the sidelines and have Hans piggyback me [whoo so fun I haven't been piggybacked for the longest time!] and also watch Michelle challenge everyone around her to a fight.
I'm going home finally.
:)
Oh wait!
I forgot to write about the highlight of the week!
Johnson saw my sad face and volunteered[or did I pester him?] to give me a ride on his bike.!
So I left my crutches in the bushes and hopped on.
haha it was really fun to speed down the expressway and feel the wind through my hair..
Poor johnson he had to do this on his birthday.
Nice people always kena bully.
♥Bid Farewell
This fracture comes in a package.
In this wonderful package there is an insanely morbid fear of rain and extreme dread for staircases (especially during raining days) and also compulsory dependence on mates.
I cannot imagine how I used to adore the rain and the weather that comes with it.
Now it is only incessant worrying about how I might slip because the fucking crutches has 0 grip on wet floors, and how I might need to go for another operation if I do fall.
It had to rain when I finished classes just now and I am very disgusted by how my life is dictated by such minor natural environmental occasions such as the rain.
I stood on the road on my crutches trying to see if any kind soul would give me a short lift back to hall and susan and serene tried to hail a cab further down the road but to no avail.
Today I almost fell down the staircases again at the bustop at my hall because the steps are slightly slanted forward and my momentum sometimes overshoots my line of gravity.
I was almost certain i would fall to my death down the 30 steps and my heart stopped and I let out my last gasp as i hoped that if anything happened I'd rather death than be paralyzed.
If not for yuting today and alicia yesterday who held my arm just in time before I swung too far forward and.. sigh
Stairs were never this difficult or depressing.
Yuting and friends had to specially come back to hall to bring me back before going shopping.
Every single thing that they do they have to plan out carefully the route to accommodate me and i totally hate that.
I know that crying doesn't solve any problem and I am very thankful for friends who go everywhere with me and want to help me but they can't do anything to stop the rain from falling and if I do fall down the steps no one will be able to catch me.
Take heart that this is only going on for one more month and people care.
I hope I survive this.
♥Bid Farewell
New Year Resolutions 2008:
1. Be happy
2. call home at least thrice a week
3. Love everyone who deserves it
4. Be less petty and more pretty
and most importantly
5. Open my eyes to see and prick up my ears to hear.
♥Bid Farewell
yet another sleepless night..
♥Bid Farewell
I was so bored.
Tried to take the standard act cute pictures but failed to create that effect.
Warning: Disgusting photos ahead.
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Ugly. Look like i'm wearing a helmet.
Look like mouse.
Ugly.
I don't look like myself.
My camera sucks.
♥Bid Farewell
In essence, I wasted $80, roomie and the nurses and susan's time to go to the hospital just to hear the doctor say that nothing was wrong.
Johnson suggested that the next time I feel like I need to see the doctor I could seek his services which he will assure me that nothing was wrong and he would only charge me at the discounted rate of $40!
I saw the X-Ray of my leg again and I just realised that I got the situation wrong.
It seems like the doctor didn't put in 2 metal screws at my ankle.
They inserted a metal plate and 7 metal screws at the fracture just above my ankle to stabilize the ankle joint.
Strange.
I hope the pain will go away and that I can sleep tonight
♥Bid Farewell
I think I haven't written about Susan before. She's cuteness x 100000.
I think her boyfriend is very fortunate because susan is so.. lovable.
Every day after class I wish I could pack her into my big bagpack along with my notebook and bring her back with me.
During lunch[if I ate with her] I would always feel like eating her up together with the yong tau foo.
etc disgusting thoughts consume me.
haha.
♥Bid Farewell
Eew I think its bleeding on top.
That will be eleven stitches.
haha too late you've seen it already.
I should have given an earlier warning.
When the nurse first removed the cast after my operation [by the way i had an operation] I could not wait to see how the stitches look like.
I think the surgeon must be very brave to be able to stitch human flesh its disgusting-meter is almost the same as.. i don't know, eating ren rou cha shou bao [means eating human flesh bao].
yucks.
and damn it will leave a scar.. not as if my legs are nice la but there will be a permanent mark.
It was an okay hospital stay, many people came to visit me and many people messaged me to show concern I really really really appreciate it!
Jeslyn accompanied me for the first few hours when I admitted, then eileen and bf came, then my mama and mei mei came, then the next day yuting michelle and dear roomie and mom and wanrong and wenting and the last visitor susan came to visit me.
I don't have many friends but these people cared enough to come and look at my lame self la.
Many people who couldn't come sent me messages with love!
I can't say enough times how much I appreciate it.
I think the person who deserves the most mentions is my dad la, no doubt.
fetch me everywhere like free like that whenever I sprain my ankle last time, and he doesn't even complain.
My family discourages me from playing soccer because I fall all the time but my dad says, "since you like it there's nothing I can say also."
He totally understands my stubbornness and even though he's the one doing the shit fetching me around he doesn't say one thing to discourage me cus he knows that I love soccer.
Just because I'm his daughter.
I think he's a great dad thats why I get freaking pissed off when my sisters speak to him rudely.
I get so pissed off for their bad manners and disrespect that i want to hang them upside down and whip them.. sometimes only la.
I want to talk about the operation experience which I only remember the before and after because I was unconscious during.
The nurse rudely woke me up [I was constantly sleeping] to get me to change into the operation gown which is actually an extra large sized bib.
It is one piece of cloth I could slip my arms into and tie the string behind my neck.
Below the string at the neck the cloth was open la I felt so exposed and the nurse didn't help my embarrassment one bit when she stood there and watched me take off everything.
It is almost as embarrassing as using the bedpan.
I wanted to slap the nurse cus the back of the cloth was flapping and everyone could see everything and this irresponsible thing didn't even accompany me to the toilet while helping me hold the back of the gown and my ambulation not steady pom pipi.
urgh.
anyway i went into the operation theatre alone.
alone.
alone.
a little bit saddening.
I wasn't scared at all actually I thought it a little exciting, my first operation!
And also I haven't thought about the cutting of my calf and blood..
So.. if you are going for an operation as long as you think about all other nonsense stuff the fear won't get to you trust me.
You won't even feel the pain because you'll be under the anesthesia.
The only moment I realised the gravity of my condition was when the nurse was trying to poke the iv drip thing into the back of my hand.
Damn it was quite painful and the thing was she took quite long la fiddling here and there.
At the same time the cute surgeon was saying something to make me laugh and distracting me and suddenly I passed out.
Well I'm very lazy to type more.
School has started already I conquered a many flights of stairs and fell only once.
Please don't let it rain when I go to school.
I really want to say that I am giving up soccer but I know that somehow I will play again.
Natasha I love you soooooo much thanks for visiting I love you
♥Bid Farewell
I haven't met Huiyi for so long, so damn long that I couldn't recognize her when she stood outside my door.
I took one look at her and assumed that she was selling insurance again.
So I totally ignored her after asking my mom to open the door for her insurance agent.
It was hilarious to the max la, huiyi just stood there silently accepting my accusation that she's here to sell insurance savings plans to us.
Well I think she deserves some applauses for being a damn good entertainer!
So good that she should make it her career instead of being an accountant.
It is a good day.. =)
Thanks for coming..
♥Bid Farewell
Sometimes I wish that things could be more simple, that instead of playing along I can tell the truth and express how I really feel.
I do try and I assure you that the qw is 99.99% true and real.
However even when the number of "I"s I use hits quite a high number, I am painfully aware that it is not always about me.
During the .001% times when I need to play along because well, for everyone's good, I just want to sigh a deep long breath.
It hurts where it is not supposed to and when it is most uncalled for.
♥Bid Farewell
all i want for
It doesn't even have to be the right shape and size, a functioning one will do.
disclaimer: i am having my period now therefore I have the right to feel upset and emo cus i am pms-ing.
holidays is the season to play and go shopping.
i am probably going to miss out playing for interhall games and take part in dance productions for the hall and also ivp soccer this year.
sigh.
just now kevin reminded me that school is starting already and suddenly i became worried about how i am going to get to school and tutorial rooms and labs which unfortunately are freaking inaccessible to the disabled because labs are on the 3rd storey and the science faculty is just full of stairs.
I am dreading school's reopening because i will need my classmates' help to climb up the stairs, carry my stuff, probably buy food and I CANT WAKE UP HALF AN HOUR BEFORE LESSONS AS I USUALLY DO TO REACH ON THE DOT.
i will need to depend on people to help me do the simplest things such as opening the door and the bus has to wait for me while i struggle to climb onto the bus full of impatient nus students.
i will receive pitiful looks from strangers while i try to look as dignified as possible wearing only one slipper/shoe and constantly checking if the back of my shirt has been pulled up by the crutches at the armpit.
I will also keep a relaxed face when my companions think that they are walking slowly when it is still too fast and try my best to catch up so as to not slow every one down.
i will also be very paranoid about slippery and wet floors because no one will catch me when i fall.
despite all these physical inconveniences i know that i probably will get used to it and i will survive cus the nurses will help me out simply because the nurses are really kind people.
they will be very understanding and maybe even help me remove the chicken skin or peel my prawns my life will be not too bad.
i sincerely appreciate jeslyn and hans coming to visit me cus it cheers me up to see people who care enough to come.
especially kevin, thank you x 10000000 for making the effort to visit me whenever possible its so good to see you.
come and visit me, pls.
Nat i am talking about you.
♥Bid Farewell
Melt into the chair, fold up into a stack, dissipate into the air or zone out.
Do whatever I can, just try to disappear.
♥Bid Farewell
There's supposed to be touch rug training today.
And dance tonight.
sian x 100000.
Yesterday I tried going out. But I couldn't even get to white sands.
I am so going to get armpit abrasions from attempting to leave the house.
Thanks friends who came to visit for lunch together and for making the effort to fetch me out for a breather on new year's eve.
Even little brother has more life than me la.
He's going to school to have fun bullying teachers and start the transformation from cute innocent toddler to rebellious insolent primary school kid.
♥Bid Farewell
